Plum Sauce

He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more

— Heavy Weather

Unlike the male codfish, which suddenly finding itself a parent of three million five hundred thousand little codfish, cheerfully resolves to love them all, the British aristocracy is apt to look with a somewhat jaundiced eye on its younger sons.

— The Custody Of The Pumpkin, Blandings Castle and Elsewhere

Golf.... is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play the ball where it lies, is a man who will serve you faithfully and well.

— Order By Golf in The Clicking of Cuthbert

There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself "Do trousers matter". "The mood will pass, Sir."

— The Code Of The Woosters

Some men decorate their home with old masters and some with old mistresses.

— From the play Don't Listen Lady

This girl talks French with both hands.

— Ring For Jeeves

Hornora Glossop is one of those robust, dynamic girls with the muscles of a welter-weight and a laugh like a squadron of cavalry charging over a tin bridge.

— Carry On, Jeeves

"Fortunately I had given him a false name." "Why?" "Just an ordinary business precaution."

— Ukridge, or He Rather Enjoyed It.

You probably did not like olives the first time you tasted them. Now you probably do. Give me the same chance you would give an olive; that is all I ask.... What do you have against me when you come to examine it narrowly. Merely that I am not Ralston McTodd. Think how comparatively few people ARE Ralston McTodd...

— Leave It to Psmith

"Perhaps you are not aware, Sir," said the butler, having trousered the wages of sin, "that her ladyship went up to London on the three-thirty train ?"

— Summer Lightening

When the great revolution against London's ugliness really starts and yelling hordes of artists and architects,maddened beyond endurance, finally take the law into their own hands and rage through the city burning and and destroying, Wallingford Street, West Kensington, will surely not escape the torch.

— Leave it to Psmith

To My Daughter Leonora, without whose never-failing sympathy and encouragement this book would have been finished in half the time

— Author's Dedication - "Heart of a Goof"

"I wish there was something else you could call him except 'Uncle Tom,' " Aunt Dahlia said a little testily. "Every time you do it, I expect to see him turn black and start playing the banjo."

— jeeves

It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food, well in advance of modern medical thought.

— The Inimitable Jeeves

The Aberdeen terrier gave me an unpleasant look and said something unpleasant under his breath in Gaelic.

— The Code of the Woosters

"Jeeves," I recollect saying, on returning to the apartment, "who was the fellow who on looking at something felt like somebody looking at something? I learned the passage at school but it has escaped me"

— Thank You Jeeves

If his brain was made of silk there wouldn't have been enough to make a canary a pair of cami-knickers. (probably not 100% accurate but that is the gist of it!)

— Sorry, can't remember where I read it!

No Mulliner has ever taken a prize at a cat show. No Mulliner, indeed, to the best of my knowledge, has even been entered for such a competition.

— Came the Dawn (Meet Mr. Mulliner)

The glimpses I had caught of his face from the corner of the eyes had told me that he was grim and resolute, his supply of the milk of human kindness plainly short by several gallons

— Jeeves in the Offing

"She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."

— Can't remember

The trouble with you, Spode, is that just because you have succeeded in inducing a handful of half-wits to disfigure the London scene by going about in black shorts, you think you're someone. You hear them shouting "Heil, Spode!" and you imagine it is the Voice of the People. That is where you make your bloomer. What the Voice of the People is saying is: "Look at that frightful ass Spode swanking about in footer bags! Did you ever in your puff see such a perfect perisher?"

— The Code of the Woosters

Into the face of the young man there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty, hangdog look which announces that an Englishman is about to talk French.

— The Luck of the Bodkins

"It suits you beautiful," said the girl. Personally, if anyone had told me that a tie like that suited me, I should have risen and struck them on the mazzard, regardless of their age and sex.

— Jeeves in the Springtime

` . . . and I shall have to summons you once more, Miss, for being in possession of a savage dorg not under proper control.' The thrust was a keen one, but Stiffy came back strongly. `Don't be an ass, Oates. You can't expect a dog to pass up a policeman on a bicycle. It isn't human nature.'

— The Code of the Woosters. Ch. 4, p.85

The lunches of fifty-seven years had caused his chest to slip down to the mezzanine floor

— Chester forgets himself (Heart of a Goof)

"What a curse these social distinctions are. They ought to be abolished. I remmeber saying that to Karl Marx once, and he thought there might be an idea for a book in it.'"

— Quick service

"If you haven't realised by this time that I love you, and always shall love you, and have never loved anybody else, and never shall love anybody else, you're a fathead."

— Hugo Carmody in Summer Lightening

Whatever may be said in favour of the Victorians, it is pretty generally admitted that few of them were to be trusted within reach of a trowel and a pile of bricks

— Summer Moonshine

I turned to Aunt Agatha, whose demeanour was now rather like that of one who, picking daisies on the railway, has just caught the down express in the small of the back.

— The Inimitable Jeeves

He was a good cook, as cooks go, and as good cooks go, he went.

—

"Well, that's really put the butter on the spinach!"

— Lord Chuffnell to Bertie - TV Series Jeeves & Wooster Series 3 - not sure which book, sorry!

He spoke with a certain what-is-it in his voice, and I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.

— The Code of the Woosters

He looked haggard and careworn, like a Borgia who has suddenly remembered that he has forgotten to shove cyanide in the consommé, and the dinner gong due any moment.

— Carry on, Jeeves

"I'm going inside - this fresh air is getting in my lungs."(Gussie)

—

His standing with her, he perceived, was now approximately what King Herod's would have been at an Israelite Mothers' Social Saturday Afternoon.

— Goodbye to all Cats

There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine

— The Old Reliable

He felt like a man who, chasing rainbows, has had one of them suddenly turn and bite him in the leg.

— Eggs Beans & Crumpets

"You know your Shelley, Bertie" said ???? "Oh, am I" replied Bertie

— The Code of the Woosters (?)

Jeeves "... moves from point to point with as little uproar as a jellyfish".

— My Man Jeeves

Assuming that my visitor was Stilton, I was about to rise and rebuke him through the keyhole as before, when there penetrated from the outer spaces an ejaculation so fruity and full of vigourthat it could have proceeded only from the lips of one who had learned her stuff among the hounds and foxes. "Aunt Dahlia ?"

— Jeeves and the Feudal Spirit

A musty smell pervaded the place as though a cheese had died under painful circumstances

—

Ice formed on the butler's upper slopes

— Pigs have wings

It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.

— Blandings Castle

As a dancer I can out-Fred the nimblest Astaire

— Not sure - but said by Bertie Wooster

The only thing that prevented a father's love from faltering was the fact that there was in his possession a photograph of himself at the same early age, in which he, too, looked like a homicidal fried egg.

— Eggs, Beans and Crumpets (Sonny Boy)

The drowsy stillness of the afternoon was shattered by what sounded to his strained senses like G. K. Chesterton falling on a sheet of tin.

— Mr Mulliner Speaking

"After all, golf is only a game,' said Millicent. Women say these things without thinking. It does not mean that there is a kink in their character. They simply don't realise what they are saying."

— Order By Golf

The Right Hon. was a tubby little chap who looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say `When!'

— Very Good, Jeeves

She fitted into my biggest arm-chair as if it had been built around her by someone who knew they were wearing arm-chairs tight about the hips that season.

— Jeeves and the Cump Cyril

Dark hair fell in a sweep over his forehead. He looked like a man who would write vers libre, as indeed he did.

— Stiff Upper Lip, Jeeves

Her face was shining Like the seat of a Bus Drivers trousers

— unknown

Big chap with a small moustache and the sort of eye that can open an oyster at sixty paces.

— The Code of the Woosters.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

—

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror

— Right Ho, Jeeves

A young man with dark circles under his eyes was propping himself up against a penny-in-the-slot machine. An undertaker, passing at that moment, would have looked at this young man sharply, scenting business. So would a buzzard

— The Luck of the Bodkins

He was white and shaken, like a dry martini.

—

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

—

Nevertheless, I reminded myself that this non-starter and I had been at school together. One must make an effort for an old school friend.

— Right Ho, Jeeves

Florence was still drinking in Percy with every eye at her disposal.

—

No, all I wanted was to tell you to go to an antique shop in the Brompton Road - it's just past the Oratory - you can't miss it - and sneer at a cow-creamer.

— Code of the Woosters

It is no use telling me that there are bad aunts and good aunts. At the core, they are all alike. Sooner or later, out pops the cloven hoof.

— The Code of the Woosters

You know how it is with some girls. They seem to take the stuffing right out of you. I mean to say, there is something about their personality that paralyses the vocal cords and reduces the contents of the brain to cauliflower.

— Right Ho, Jeeves

Breakfast had been prepared by the kitchen maid, an indifferent performer who had used the scorched earth policy on the bacon again.

— Spring Fever

The fishy glitter in his eye became intensified. He looked like a halibut which had been asked by another halibut to lend it a couple of quid till next Wednesday.

— The Word in Season (A few quick ones)

"I don't know if you have ever leaped between the sheets, all ready for a spot of sleep, and received an unforeseen lizard up the left pyjama leg? It is an experience that puts its stamp on a man."

— Thank You, Jeeves

If she ever turned into a werewolf, it would be one of those jolly breezy werewolves whom it is a pleasure to know.

— Aunts Aren't Gentlemen

I remember Mrs Bingo Little once telling me, shortly after their marriage, that Bingo said poetic things to her about sunsets - his best friends being perfectly aware, of course, that the old egg never noticed a sunset in his life and that, if he did by a fluke ever happen to do so, the only thing he would say about it would be that it reminded him of a slice of roast beef, cooked just right.

— The Code Of The Woosters

He woke next morning on the floor of his bedroom and shot up to the ceiling when a sparrow on the windowsill chirped unexpectedly.

—

I'd always thought her half-baked, but now I think they didn't even put her in the oven

— Jeeves in the Offing

Jeeves is a wonder. A marvel What a brain. Size nine-and-a-quarter, I should say. He eats a lot of fish.

— Thank You, Jeeves.

I pressed down the mental accelerator

—

...the unpleasant, acrid smell of burned poetry...

— 'Young Men in Spats' - The Fiery Wooing of Mildred

Sam had many excellent qualities, but he did not in the least resemble a potted gernaium.

— Sam the Sudden

"I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled."

— The Code of the Woosters (1938)

Her father might look like a walrus and her mother like something starting at a hundred to eight in the two-thirty race at Catterick Bridge, but Hermione herself, tall and dark, with large eyes, a perfect profile and an equally perfect figure, was an Oriental potentate's dream of what the harem needed.

— Uncle Dynamite

"Bertie, I want your advice. At least, not your advice, because that wouldn't be much good to anybody. I mean, you're a pretty consummate old ass, aren't you? Not that I want to hurt your feelings, of course."

— Jeeves in the Springtime

The air was filled with shrieks and fruit.

— The Metropolitan Touch

From his earliest years, there has always been something distinctive and individual about Gussie's timbre, reminding the hearer partly of an escape of gas from a gas pipe and partly of a sheep calling to its young in the lambing season.

— The Code of the Woosters

I was so darned sorry for poor old Corky that I hadn't the heart to touch my breakfast. I told Jeeves to drink it himself.

— My man Jeeves

"Old school tradition,&c. Men leave the school, and find that they've got so accustomed to jumping out of windows that they look on it as as sort of affectation to go out by the door."

— The Decoration of Sammy, from The World of PSMITH

I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.

— The Code of the Woosters

Here was this man, unable as a clerk in Holy Orders to use any of the words which would have been at the disposal of a layman, and yet by sheer force of character rising triumphantly over the handicap. Without saying a thing that couldn't have been said in the strictest drawing room, the Rev. Aubrey Upjohn contrived to produce in Freddie the illusion that he had had a falling out with the bucko mate of a tramp steamer.

— Bramley is So Bracing

Unseen, in the background, Fate was slipping the lead into the boxing glove.

— Unsure

The voice of Love seemed to call me, but it was a wrong number.

— Right Ho, Jeeves

Soapy, who had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wished to eat, would go through life eking out a precarious existence, selling fictitious oil stock to members of the public who were one degree more cloth-headed than himself.

— Money in the Bank

I have no doubt that you could have flung bricks by the hour in England's most densely populated districts without endangering the safety of a single girl capable of becoming Mrs. Augustus Fink-Nottle without an anaesthetic.

— Right Ho, Jeeves

"In that case, tinkerty tonk." And I meant it to sting.

— Right Ho, Jeeves

His whole attitude recalled irresistibly to the mind that of some assiduous hound who will persist in laying a dead rat on the drawing-room carpet, though repeatedly apprised by word and gesture that the market for same is sluggish or even non-existent.

— Code of The Woosters

She ignored my observation. This generally happens with me. Show me a woman, I sometimes say, and I will show you someone who is going to ignore my observations.

— Aunts Aren't Gentlemen

The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows.

—

One of the foulest cross-country runs that ever occurred outside of Dante's Inferno.

— Psmith Journalist

Lord Shortlands stirred. He half rose in his chair like a corpse preparing to step out of the coffin.

— Spring Fever

I marmalladed a piece of toast....

—

You know, the way love can change a fellow is really frightful to contemplate. This chappie before me, who spoke in that absolutely careless way of macaroons and limado, was the man I had seen in happier days telling the head-waiter at Claridge's exactly how he wanted the chef to prepare the sole frite au gourmet aux champignons, and saying he would jolly well sling it back if it wasn't just right. Ghastly! Ghastly!

— The Ininmitable Jeeves

Roderick Spode? Big chap with a small moustache and the sort of eye that can open an oyster at sixty paces?

— Code of the Woosters

There had recently been published a second edition of his chin [a description of a publisher who had put on weight]

—

"There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself "Do trousers matter?". "The mood will pass, sir."

— The Code of the Woosters

They moved slowly off with bowed heads, like a couple of pallbearers who have forgotten their coffin and had to go back for it.

— The Mating Season

He uncovered the fragrant eggs and b., and I pronged a moody forkful.

— Very Good Jeeves/Jeeves and the Impending Doom

The Duke;s moustache was rising and falling like seaweed on an ebb-tide.

— Uncle Fred in the Springtime

"It's amazing what one can learn in a day, sir."

— The code of the woosters

There was an impulsiveness about his character which did not go well with the posession of fire-arms.

— Leave it to Psmith

"You see I'm wearing the tie," said Bingo. "It suits you beautiful," said the girl. Personally, if anyone had told me that a tie like that suited me, I should have risen and struck them on the mazzard, regardless of their age and sex; but poor old Bingo simply got all flustered with gratification, and smirked in the most gruesome manner.

— Jeeves in the Springtime

He registered surprise - mild surprise, of course. He never goes so far as the other sort. One eyebrow flickered a little and the tip of his nose moved slightly.

— Jeeves in the Morning

Now, we have killed a porker, and Emma thinks of sending them a loin or a leg; it is very small and delicate - Hartfield pork is not like any other port - but still it is pork - and my dear Emma, unless one could be sure of their making into steaks, nicely fried, as ours our fried, without the smallest grease, and not roast it, for no stomach can bear roast pork - I think we had better send the leg.

— On Everybody's Health

Aunt Agatha's demeanour "was now rather like that of one who, picking daisies on the railway, has just cought the down express in the small of the back"

— The Inimitable Jeeves

It was one of those still evenings you get in the summer, when you can hear a snail clear its throat a mile away.

— Carry on, Jeeves

He groaned slightly and winced, like Prometheus watching his vulture dropping in for lunch.

— Big Money

"Spode and his adherents wear black shorts" "Footer bags you mean?" "Yes" "Bare knees?" "Bare knees" "Golly!" "Yes"

— Code of the Woosters

Externally, I take after the pater, and if you had seen the pater you would realize what that means. He was a gallant soldier and played a hot game of polo, but he had a face like a gorilla - much more so, indeed, than most gorillas have.

— Laughing Gas

he looked like god had set out to create a gorrila and changed his mind at the very last moment... [on Spode]

—

Confronted by such figures, they become like the deaf adder that hearkens not to the voice of the charmer, charming never so wisely.

— Ring for Jeeves. Chapter 11.

"...and any twig trodden on by her in the evening of her life would go off like the explosion of a gas main." (Speaking of Aunt Dahlia).

— The Cat-Nappers

It was that gracious hour of a summer afternoon, midway between luncheon and tea, when Nature seems to unbutton its waistcoat and put its feet up.

— Summer Lightning

He [A. B. Spottsworth] thought the lion was dead, and the lion thought it wasn't.

— Ring for Jeeves

"Very good," I said coldly. "In that case, tinkerty tonk." And I meant it to sting.

— Right Ho, Jeeves

At this moment, the laurel bush, which had hitherto not spoken,said 'Psst!'

— Summer Lightning

At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.

— The Adventures of Sally.

Enter Jeeves, a silent procession of one.

— Right Ho Jeeves

"Alf Todd," said Ukridge, soaring to an impressive burst of imagery, "has about as much chance as a one- armed blind man in a dark room trying to shove a pound of melted butter into a wild cat's left ear with a red-hot needle."

— Ukridge

In addition to smelling of mice and mould,the particular segment of sacking on which some two minutes later I was reclining had a marked aroma of by-the-day gardener: and there was a moment when I had to ask myself if the mixture wasn't a shade too rich.

— Thank You, Jeeves: Police Persecution

He had been looking like a dead fish. He now looked like a deader fish, one of last year's, cast up on some lonely beach and left there at the mercy of the wind and tides.

— Right Ho, Jeeves

Ha! I said and I meant it to sting.

— Right Ho, Jeeves

She fitted into my biggest arm-chair as if it had been built around her by someone who knew they were wearing arm-chairs tight around the hips that season.

— My Man Jeeves

Slice him where you will, a hellhound is still a hellhound

—

"Alf Todd," said Ukridge, soaring to an impressive burst of imagery, "has about as much chance as a one-armed blind man in a dark room trying to shove a pound of melted butter into a wild cat's left ear with a red-hot needle."

— Ukridge

This is the age of the specialist, and years ago Rollo had settled on his career. Even as a boy, hardly capable of connected thought, he had been convinced that his speciality, the one thing he could do really well, was to inherit money. All he wanted was a chance.

— The Man Upstairs

Colonel Wedge had never for an instant regretted having said: "Eh? Oh, rather, yes, certainly," in reply to the clergyman's: "Wilt thou, Egbert, take this Hermione?"

— Full Moon

I once got engaged to his daughter Honoria, a ghastly dynamic exhibit who read Nietzsche and had a laugh like waves breaking on a stern and rockbound coast.

— Life With Jeeves

It is a good rule in life never to apologise. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.

— The Man Upstairs (1914)

I remained motionless, like a ventriloquist's dummy whose ventriloquist has gone off to the local and left is sitting.

— Stiff Upper Lip. Jeeves

Have you ever heard Sir Watkyn Bassett dealing with a bowl of soup? It's not unlike the Scotch express going through a tunnel. Have you ever seen Spode eat asparagus?

— The Code of the Woosters, chapter four

They had gone on to the opening performance at the Flaming Youth Group Centre of one of those avant-garde plays which bring the scent of boiling cabbage across the footlights and in which the little man in the bowler hat turns out to be God.

— Service with a Smile, 1962

That soft cough of Jeeves's which always reminds me of a very old sheep clearing its throat on a distant mountain top.

—

The wolf was glued to the door like a postage stamp...

— Something Fresh

Galehad trotted off towards the house, going hippety-hippety-hop like an elderly Christopher Robin

— Full Moon

"About five years ago there was a thrush, who built her nest in a Poplar tree, and sang so beautifully that all the worms came up from their holes and the ants laid down their burdens, and the crickets stopped their mirth, and the moths settled all in a row near her, she sang a song as if she were in heaven - going up higher and higher as she sang. At last the song was done and the bird came down panting. "Thank you" said all the creatures. Now my story is ended."

— The Thrush (Plum's first recorded story, aged 7)